Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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