It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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