Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
the condom got lost in my hair
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
