Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
smell my finger.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
