Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
a search helicopter?!
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.