also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
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