Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
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