Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
