My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
