Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
