apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
