Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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