My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
The struggles of a small town man whore
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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