I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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