You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
