U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Randomize
