I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
