the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
