i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
