So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
