My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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