I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
