I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
