Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
