this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
