I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
