I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
