Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
