If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
