Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby