Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.