Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...