I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
