The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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