Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
