I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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