When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
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Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
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At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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