Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
