He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
