Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize