The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
