K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
