Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
