I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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