dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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