i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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