There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
