she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Randomize
