I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
