I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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