Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
it's like iHOP with fire
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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