I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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