You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
