everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
