today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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