I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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