I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
