dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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