Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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